Brain Saga Part 3

So...the consensus is...sinuses. The doctor said my brain looked great. :) I tried to go pick up the copy of the MRI (ITS ON DVD!!, who's stoked?! me!) and it would have taken like 25 minutes to pick it up...so I'm gonna go get it tomorrow. I'm pretty excited.

So the neurologist is sending me to an ENT to check out my sinus cavity better (its just one.). Hopefully they can suck all the bad stuff out. Oh man, I might be normal again soon. :)

So the "Brain Saga" might just wind up being "The Sinus Saga," which sounds a little bit cooler. Unless you have a lisp.

Now or never. Go big or go home.

This post has nothing really to do with The Brain Saga, so it gets its own post.

Disclaimer: I love Joshua Richard Hilbert, with all of my heart. He is everything to me.

He told me he was looking at engagement rings. Yesterday. Right there in Ruby Tuesday. I was astonished. I didn't know what to think. First I was like "Wow, he's really going to do it." ...Then it was a "Wow....he's really...gunna...do it." And it hit me. Everything would change. Everything would be so different. And don't get me wrong, if I'm going to marry someone, I want it to be him. But...I can't, not now. I started to cry, right there at Ruby's. Like, deep down, I know that this is what I want, and I know that I want it with him, and I know that I would be uber happy with him in that sense. But, the thought of not living with my mom scares me, a lot. The thought of not hearing my brothers stupid "Hee hee" all the time (which drove me crazy during the Snow Storm). Having pink and brown stuff all over my room. Hogging the entire bed, and covers...and pillows. My dad being right there for me to hassle into fixing my truck. My stuff, all of my stuff; I love my stuff. All of that would...not be there. Its not that it would be gone, its just that...everything would be different. And that scares the shit out of me. I know its going to have to happen sometime. And I'm a "now or never, go big or go home" kind of girl. But this...this is killing me.

I know though, that there will be so many more wonderful things ahead of us in the world of engagement and marriage. Waking up beside him everyday. Cooking together, eating together, ordering pizza together because the food we cooked together turned out horrible. Planning a wedding. Buying a house. DECORATING A HOUSE! (That's not my favorite or anything...) Vacationing together. Having a baby...maybe 2. (Nope, sorry Melissa, no Hilbert Zoo will be opening. Much respect though. ha ha, after having a zoo of a classroom at the daycare, I'm better off with just one or two kids. The kids are better of too.) I guess the good definitely out weight the other ones.

I've all ready talked to him about it. And he knows I'm not ready for it. But he has a great point, to go ahead and look now, price things, maybe start saving. We both want it to happen. I'm partially scared that after we get married we'll be different people, and we won't love each other or something ridiculous like that.

Either way, I don't think we want to get married until we both graduate from school, which should both be around mid 2012. I like the idea of a fall wedding, maybe the beginning of November. Problem is, Josh's birthday is October 30th. ...and I don't want his birthday to be overshadowed by our wedding.

See? Here's my problem. On the surface, I'm stoked about getting engaged and married and everything. I'm all about planning it, picking out colors for things, picking out dresses, pricing honeymoons. But underneath, I'm terrified. Its such a horrible way to feel, and I hate it.

I love that man, with all of my heart. I know that we both want this. I'm just scared. We're going to do it. I've gotta grow a pair and just do it. Suck it up. Now or never. Go big or go home.

Brain Saga Part 2

Sorry for the late post about everything. And this won't even have the meat and potatoes of the information you've been waiting for.

I had the MRI, which was ....pretty fun actually. However, if I had the chance to do it again, I would refrain. I feel like if I had smoked marijuana before, I would have completely flipped out and just started screaming. I felt like I was inside of a video game. The noises were insane! The scariest part was towards the end and the bed started to shake a little. ...that freaked me out, at that point I was done. ha. I have no idea how long I was in there; I lost all track of time. My hands were the most uncomfortable. I started with them folded on my belly, then within 5 minutes (I'm guessing) I started to get all fidgety. Overall, not the worst experience in the world. Annnd, I still haven't received a bill. So far, I'm safe from another $40.

Until tomorrow.

I go back to neurologist tomorrow ($40 copay, chaching.) for him to read it. I feel kinda good about it. I called them a week ago, or so, and asked what I was supposed to do next. The nurse said that I make an appointment to get it read and thats it. She said that if it turned out to be something terrible they would call. And, I haven't gotten a call. Which makes me feel super good. However, uneasy. As happy as I am that its nothing serious, I would love to find out whats been going on. I assumed that an MRI would be able to tell. Maybe they did find something, but its not serious and completely treatable. ...that would be absolutely amazing. Tears would be shed.

I can't wait to get rid of this shit. I don't think anyone really understands whats going on. I don't think people get the fact that I can't cough or clear my throat. Think about that. How many times during the day do you cough or clear your throat? Must be nice. I can't do it. What about sneezing? These are things we go day to day taking for granted. These a normal body functions that everyone possesses and everyone does. These things were designed as mechanisms to remove bacteria, allergens, and foreign things from our bodies. ...yeah, coughing and sneezing is that important. And I am incapable of doing so.

So there it is. Tomorrow, I could have an answer. I could be posting from a hospital bed. I could be posting from right here in my room. However, Blogger, you will find out, as will I, whats going on inside of my head.

The Brain Saga. Part 1.

Just a short little note before I go take care of my kids.

So I've been having head pain for about 10 months now. Since last November. Its not really a "head ache." Its head pain. Only when I cough, sneeze or bend over. It hurts like hell for like 4 seconds. Then over the course of 20 seconds it goes away. It makes me want to die. Its that bad. To compare it to something, its more like brain freeze than a head ache type pain. I've evolved my entire life around whatever this shit is. I don't sneeze anymore. I can't cough like a normal person, my coughs sound like something a librarian who's 159 years old would do.

Have I gone to the doctor? yes. 4 times. that $80 in copays. And an allergist= $40x2= $80 copays. Plus the eye doctor= $15 copay. Plus prescriptions= about $20. So we're talking over the past 8 moths or so, I've spent almost $200 on this stupid head thing. Not to mention the $40 I owe for the head x-ray I got. (which is actually pretty cool, if I could figure out a way to hang it up in my room, I would.) I've been told twice that its a sinus infection. I've never heard of a sinus infection doing all this and lasting this long. My primary doctors finally said they didn't know what was going on (last week) and are sending me to a neruologist on Monday. I'm kind of excited...kind of that same excitement I had when I found out I was getting a cranial x-ray. But I'm also a little scared. My 18th birthday was spend on bed rest because I had an ovarian cyst and an ovary removed. My 21st birthday is on Wednesday. And I don't want to spend it in the hospital or on bed rest, like my 18th. I also am afraid of what they might find. Worst case scenario for me, its a tumor. I lose my hair and my ability to have children. Two of the worst things that could happen to me. Another worst case scenario, they don't find out whats wrong. I'm a little stressed about it.

I'm off to go baby sit. Maybe I'll write more when they nap.

Please press my adds, by the way. I need money. Who doesn't? :)

selfish bitchesss.

Ok, the title, please say it like you are a very homosexual male who just bought the newest Coach scarf before anyone else and has a ton of admiring women looking at him. Please. Thats how I meant it.

So I've talked about her before, and now more of the drama. The drama never ends. Part of me, the super girly-still in high school mode, part of me loves to hear all of this. But this has gone far enough. No, writing a blog about it will not solve the situation, however....its my outlet. so if you don't like it, leave me alone.

My aforementioned idiot of a friend has pushed herself off the deep end of the crazy-mofo pool. To sum it up, she does not have children because she's a self centered nincompoop who wants nothing more than to party and be irresponsible.

I understand you were pregnant at 16 and lost your childhood. But that was your decision...don't take it out on your children.

Anyways, she's completely lost her ever loving mind. She basically doesn't want to do what she needs to do to give her children the things they want and need and thinks that someone else, her own mother, can do that. and yes, her mother is more than capable of being a wonderful mother and I know that those kids are in amazing hands...but. She's all ready raised her children (and in fact is still raising some.) so why should she have to raise yours too? Why can't you grow up and do whats best for your kids? We all know the only reason you took any classes at all was so that you'd have health insurance because you are a hypochondriac and freak out about the stupidest crap. So college obviously wasn't what you wanted. You've had 500 waitressing jobs at various bars and restaurants. You colored your hair blonde so that you'd be able to get a waitressing job...pathetic. Then you get it...and you "get sick" or "go on vacation" for MONTHS at a time. Then when you're ready to go back you wonder why they won't give you any hours. You stupid turtle (not my original choice of word), you basically quit your job.

You are being reckless. And yes, for any other 21 year old, this is semi-acceptable. However, you are a mother of 2. Grow a pair. Man up. Grow up. Raise your own damn kids and stop relying on everyone else to do everything for you. You've had it way too easy. I hope its not that easy when I have kids. Whats parenting without struggle? Without suffering? Without sacrifice? Thats what its really about. Seeing just how much you love these little munchkins, then seeing them love you in return. (its more than that, but for the time being, we'll stick with this one).

Ashley, I never want to talk to you again. I never want to be your friend ever again. You are a selfish coward. You've been given everything, everything you could possibly want or need...and yet you still take it all for granted. I hope you see them suffering. I hope you feel it too. I hope it eats you away until you realized how fudging ridiculous you're being. I don't want to speak to you, so I hope you read this blog. I hope it hurts. I hope your friends see this. I hope you know one day how I really feel. I'd tell you in person, but I'd be afraid of the repercussion of that conversation and what may follow.

Have fun being 21. Have fun. Because while you're out there living it up and drinking and doing God knows what else, your children...YOUR children are needing you. Congrats. Mom of the year.

So, I'm thinking about taking sign language classes in the fall. Sounds fun, no?

Sorry for any offensive language.

Peaceout cub scout.

Yadda Yadda Yadda

I always wind up on here at 11:40 pm every night. And I always tell myself, "its too late to blog." And tonight is no different. But I'm just going to do it anyways. Just a little catch up. and a little bit of a rant. ...hopefully I can stay awake that long.

-School is over. Passed A&P. Hallelujah. Start OT classes again in January. Off school until then. 8 month summer/fall/winter break. Leigh Ann Woodworth, OTA....May 2012. Awesome. Just in time for the "Apocalypse."

-Cruise in December. Christmas to be exact. Happy Birthday Jesus, in the Bahamas. Stoked. Old enough to Gamble. and drink. ...woot.

-Josh. Still amazing. Still wonderful. Nothings changed. :)

-Job. Daycare. Sadly. Underpaid. Working as 2 people. Not fair. Kids are still sweet though.

-Possibly moving out. With Katie in her old house. Paying rent, and lots of bills. Being a grown up. Shit.

The rant is just basically about how I just don't get paid enough. Everyone says it, but I truely mean it. I have to do lesson plans, What We Did Todays, art work, worksheets, story time, circle time, maintain overall peace throughout the day, keep the kids from killing eachother, and I actually have to teach them something. ...I can't do it. It makes me feel incompetent, when in all reality, I'm not the incompetent one.

I'm done being mean.

It started raining, that means its...bedtime?

...I don't know, maybe Mother Nature is like "Yo, girl, we got things to do...ya know? Over in Dreamland?!"

I'm so tired I'm just typing nonsense now.

Fin.

Well...

Anatomy and Physiology is coming to an end. I'm pretty sure I'll wind up with a good solid C...hoping for a B, but, a C will do just fine.

I've never been so happy to be done with a class. I'm over it. I'm over all of the irrelevant information. I'm over the memorization. I mean seriously?! Who needs to know all of the cranial nerves? A brain surgeon. Not this girl. With the development of this thing I'd like to call, the "internet" we really don't need to know all of this stupid crap. Uh, hello...Google?

Whatever, its almost over. One more lab, and 2 more lectures, which really is only one more lecture, the other is just a show up, and turn your take-home test in. ..I love take home tests.

The boyfriend is coming over tonight. He rarely comes over to my house. Because, days like today, I hate it here. I stay in my room for a reason. Its my haven. I don't want to be around my dad and my brother, because they always fight with each other, and its over the stupidest crap you could ever imagine. My mom is sleeping, which means she'll be grouchy. There's no food here, I'm hungry. The independent me says "well, go buy some groceries. or at least go pick up food, on your own." But I know that if I were to leave, and come back with food, at least 2 of the 3 other people in this house would be angry at me. I'M NEVER HOME! I'M NOT THE ONE WHO EATS ALL OF THE FOOD HERE. GIMME A FREAKING BREAK.

I've been cleaning my room all day, getting ready for my honey's arrival (haha), and I took a break to fill out my FAFSA form (its super important for school, and I've been putting it off for weeks and decided to do it today.) I needed my parents social security numbers, and their tax information. I first asked my dad, who for some reason was in a pissy mood, for the social numbers, he asked, with quite a 'tude, "Why do you need that?" "I'm filling out my college finance stuff." (ya know, so I can get a real job and get the hell out of here) "Well, what do you need our numbers for?" "I don't really know, but its asking for it" "Okay, well I'll tell you mine, but I don't know your mothers." *tells the number* I start forging through my moms purse, because you don't wake a sleeping bear. Find her card. Go on my merry way.

Then it asks for their tax information.

I wonder what kind of crap I'll get for this.

So, Independent Leigh Ann comes out again, and says "well, I know they keep their tax stuff in a filing cabinet in their room" (where the bear-my mom- is sleeping, thanks Independent Leigh Ann) So against my will, I go into the filing cabinet ... 2004, 2006, 2003, 2008, 200...not 9. Its not in there, at all. So I was just...over it at this point and said "Mom, wheres your tax stuff from this year?" Groggily she answers "in the drawer" I answer, "No, its not, I checked there." "what do you need it for?" (I wish you guys would just give me what I ask for, not the difficult) "My school finance stuff, mom." Then, I just left. Walked back in my room and started putting in bogus answers. Worse case scenario, I go to jail. ...Martha survived it, so can I. Then, about 20 minutes later I hear her shuffling papers around in her room. Thank you Mom, for taking initiative. Preesh. She finds the papers. I finish the FAFSA, end of story.

Back to the fact that my mom is cooking dinner for my boyfriend and my family. ...and there's still no food in the house. Can't wait to see what she whips up. This ought to be interesting.

Lockdown.

So Josh is not allowed to leave. Ever again.

They got in a car accident yesterday. Totaled the car. Everyone was okay except for his little brother, who got a black eye, and his dad who probably broke his thumb. ...

Josh will never leave the state of Virginia again; not without me.

He's back. Finally. And I'm going to go see him today. Finally. I think we're going to see "Date Movie" at Cinema Cafe. Either that or "Hot Tub Time Machine." Whatever he wants to do.

Ugh. I feel so relieved.

Addicted to Weeds

I'm addicted to Weeds.

The show. Look it up. Its great. Thank you, Josh. Your subscription to Netflix is really helping me get through this week without you here. :(

Josh, my other half, is in Key West for a week with his dad, and his dad's family. Awesome. I'm super happy for him, since he hasn't seen or hung out with his dad in years. But, okay, its time to come home now. I'm bored out of my mind. I'm tired of hanging out with my family, haha. This is why I could never date or marry someone in the military. I know for a fact that I couldn't handle deployments. It takes a special kind of woman to do that, and I am not one them. I'm great with scrapbooks and memorizing movies. Not so much with the "I'm-going-to-be-out-of-town-a-lot" thing. Just not my groove. So kudos to you military wives, you rock. and Melissa, you rock in more ways then one :).

He comes home on Saturday night. I'll see him Sunday, and I can't wait.

Carrying on, I have been watching Netflix online nonstop. I watched "Julie & Julia" which was amazing. Honestly, refueled my desire to blog, and when I ever get the time and money for it, to cook. (Melissa, if you haven't checked it out all ready, please please do!) And, as mentioned before, I have fallen in love with "Weeds." Its about this high class suburban soccer mom/widow who sells weed to make ends meet. Definitely funny. Definitely a tear jerker. Definitely full of drama. Definitely profane and vulgar. but, Definitely worth it.

I am also the new mom to sixteen, I repeat SIXTEEN 3/4 year olds. I have just become the lead teacher in the 3 year old room at work. Am I excited? Yeah, sure. Am I nervous? Yes, but not for obvious reasons. I have a problem being a leader. Its just not me. I'm an excellent follower, but, leading just makes me feel like...I don't know. Like, I'm the boss. I know that sounds weird, because obviously, if you are the leader, you sort of are the boss. But, I'm not a bossy person. And now, not only am I supposed to be the fearless leader of those silly sixteen, I also have an assistant teacher, who is older than I am, that I also have to lead. ...That is the part I'm not excited about. Thankfully, my assistant teacher (see? it just feels weird... whatever) is an amazing woman, and is a great assistant and a great asset to my room! Overall, I know that this change is going to work out, its just sort of a "fear of the unknown."

Oh, and guess who just might pass Anatomy and Physiology this time?! ...me!!! WOO HOO!!! yeah I'm holding a steady "F" maybe a low "D" in Lab, but I'm kicking ass in Lecture. They take 40% of your lab grade and 60% of your lecture grade. I've done all the math, and I should be good to go! I'm stoked. BUTTTTTT.....the next practical (the big test in lab) is about muscles...and nerves. The muscles I feel...okay about. ...but the nerves. ...last semester, I left class all together when we got to the nerves. I'm scared of nerves. (ironic eh?).

So, lets recap. I'm bored. I miss my boyfriend. I'm the lead teacher now. I'm going to be an occupational therapy assistant...in two years. And, I'm addicted to Weeds.

TTFN.

Instead of studying anatomy....

I'm going to whine about it.

Its pointless. I don't need to know every friggin tubercle and notch of every bone in the body! Do you realize that there are approximately 206 bones in the body (depending on how many wormian bones [ones that grow inside of the cracks in your skull] you have, or if you have them at all)??? Do you realize that I could name about 185 of them?! to me...thats a waste of brain space. I'd rather know how to change a tire.

Did you know that theres a bagillion different types of cells?! Do you know that I have/had to know all of them!? and their parts?! And I'm not just talking nucleus, ribosomes, etc. I'm talking Golgi bodies and smooth endoplasmic reticulums, which look exactly the same!!!!

SEE!?!?!

Then the only reason I know what adipose (fat) cells are is because of Doctor Who (my favorite TV show). There's an episode where this woman markets a weight loss drug called "Adipose" and its supposed to make you lose weight like crazy. Well, you do. But it comes off in the form of these cute little fat cells. She winds up calling them her children. Well eventually your whole body just becomes about 12 adipose babies. Its crazy. But, I know what adipose cells are.

They're a lot cuter then real fat cells anyways.

There are about 700 muscles in the body. I'm going to have to know most of them. ...Do you see why I failed it last semester!? ...I'm passing this time, so far *fingers crossed*

Anyways.

I'm supposed to be doing anatomy homework. But, I figured I'd take the time to let the world know how I feel about this class.

Its too much, in not enough time. Thats all. I don't mind learning all of this, but not in a span of 4 months. Thats not fun.

Have I ever told you you're my herooo?!

This is Doctor Hunter "Patch" Adams. You can read about him here.

Homeboy's got it going on.

You might have seen the movie, Patch Adams, with Robin Williams. If not, its on Netflix, check it out. I would reccomend that movie to anyone.

Patch Adams' ideas of healthcare are what I feel is right. He feels that you should treat a patient, not a disease. Make fun of life, and make life fun. Be creative. Be inspiring. Be supportive. Be loving. Be compassionate.

Doctors, and other healthcare professionals these days care more about the money behind the service than actually the service itself. This isn't a car repair shop. This is life. You mess one little thing up, and its gone. People need to focus more on the person than what comes out of the person's wallet.

I'm not going to get into the whole "free healthcare" thing. I understand both sides. I think things like that should be free, but I understand how expensive everything costs, and the government seems like its in enough financial turmoil...

I digress.

Patch Adams is the man. The bomb. The cat's pajamas. The bee's knees.

He also says that all the problems in the world have been caused by men. I sort of agree with that...but the women didn't help. ha.

I love everything about this man. At least, I haven't found anything so far that was displeasing.

I realized today that I am immature.

Ok, not completely. In fact, I've often been told that I'm wise and very mature for my ripe age of twenty. I've also been compared to a good worn in pair of shoes. It was a compliment...I think. The person then went on to say that I was comfortable to be around. Anyways.

Tonight. In my Anatomy and Physiology Lab. I realized that I am "immature."

We just started studying bones after a grueling month of looking at slide after slide of tissue samples and different types of boring cells and ...ZzzzZzz...

BUT, I like bones. And bones actually mean something to me and to my future career (Occupational Therapy. Don't ask what it is. Just Google it.) So I therefore have more motivation to learn it.

This week we're studying the Axial bones (Head, back, and ribcage). So I started off by looking at all the different bones of the spine. The spine is broken into 5 parts: Cervical (neck), Thoracic (typical "back" area), Lumbar (lower back), sacrum, and coccyx. Well...I learn by relating to sound or to a picture of something I know. The bones that make up the Thoracic part of the back look like giraffes. Giraffe sounds kind of like thoracic... well, in my head it does. Immature Point 1.

After going through all of the bones of the back I grabbed a skull. I looked at it, inside and out, took it apart, yadda yadda yadda. I then put it back together. The lower jaw (mandible) was connected with a spring. ...Big mistake to whoever made this model. I then sat and played with him. I had a little conversation with the skull (all in my head) and the best part was when he laughed. It was seriously so hilarious that I too laughed out loud. (I LOLed.) I felt pretty awkward. And I really wish there was someone as immature as me in my class, just so my skull could have another skull friend. Immature point 2.

If thats immature, then I'll take it. I'll still be the one passing Anatomy. Booyah.

This is me ranting about my idiot of a friend.

I have a friend. She used to be my best friend. And now, she's not.

That sounds like the stuff my 3 year olds tell me all the time.

But, I'm 20. and I'm saying it. Yeah, its childish. But, ya know what....I can only take but so much crap.

This blog will most likely have some form of cursing in it. For that I apologize.

Continuing on..

Ashley. You and Justin need to just go away and be idiots on your own Idiot Island. I'm so tired of hearing the "I love you so much" one week, then a week later you call me and tell me I was right about everything and that he's an asshole, etc. The next week its a "I love you so much" all over again...Really? ...I mean seriously folks....

Okay, I'm sorry, let me start from the beginning. Just so everyone else can catch up.

Ashley and I have been friends since, literally, forever. Our grandmothers are friends; our mothers are friends; we are friends, and our children just might be friends...I'm not sure of that anymore. Anyways...we started getting close after she had her first child when she was 16. She then got pregnant again, started going to my school, and we just got closer and closer. Until about a year ago. She met Justin. I got this weird vibe about him. I have tried to like him. I honestly have, I know she cares about him, or tries to care about him, and I respect that, so I try. However, there's just something about him that I really don't like. I don't know what it is...

Nonetheless, we started to grow apart. This is also after her and Jake broke up. Jake was probably one of the most incredible people I'd ever met. He was very sweet, funny, and compassionate. Not to mention a Orioles fan. Jake was great, and great to Ashley, and I have yet to hear why they broke up. Both tell me the same thing, "I don't know, she/he just went all crazy on me"...whatever. Ashley thinks that I don't like Justin because I loved Jake so much and wanted her to be with him. Not the case. Yes, I loved Jake, I still do. He's a great guy, and a great friend. I still talk to him, and attempt to hang out. However, I love Ashley more. I want her to be happy. And if she thinks she's going to be happy with this asshole Justin, then I'll try my best to like him, and if not I'll try to tolerate him. Which I can. I cannot, however tolerate the way he treats her. She has 2 children, not his. He tells her how to raise her kids. NOT YOUR PLACE HOMEBOY. He's just an all around asshole to her. He shows no respect towards her. And, I think she deserves better.

But, honestly, Ashley, at this point, if you're still going to be all stupid about it and pretend like nothing's wrong...then maybe you deserve to get hurt all over again. How many times does it take Ashley? seriously...How many? because you're on time 382. If you want to keep getting hurt, stay with him. But don't come near me. I don't want to hear it anymore. I'm tired of saving you.

*any advice on this situation would be graciously appreciated*

I'm so tired of stupid people in general. I mean, I'm stupid too. Like, for instance, I rearranged my room at the beginning of January so that I'd be able to use the floorboard heaters. Well, I thought it was going to start warming up, and plus I'd gotten a hope chest (I've wanted one for a while now :]) and I had to make it fit in my room, so I re-rearranged and now I can't use my heater....now that its snowed. And now that its 20 degrees outside. and 25 degrees in my room.

I guess we're all a little stupid. But...I've learned from my mistake. I've also adapted...i'm wearing sweatpants and a sweatshirt, along with slipper socks...I'm pretty cozy under my microplush blanket.

I guess being really stupid is just doing the same thing over and over again, getting the same results, and not changing anything.

One of those religious blogs.

I watched a movie the other night called "Religulous." Its a documentary basically bashing religion. Bill Maher. Great movie. He was mean. but very truthful. The questions he asked were so true and relevant. Definitely things I have thought before too.

Now, I don't consider myself religious. I do consider myself Christian though. Confused yet? ...me too. There are so many questions that I have. There's so many contradictions I've found within Christianity and within other religions...I don't know what to think.

After thinking about everything I tried to figure out what I do believe in. What makes sense to me? How do I want my life to be seen to others? How do I want to live my life?

I believe Jesus was real. I believe he was an amazing man who did wonderful things for people. I believe he was kind and generous and caring. I believe he did not pass judgement on anyone he encountered. I believe in God. I believe in love, I believe that when you truly love someone or something, thats when there is true peace with it. I believe in people. I believe people will always let you down, hurt you, cause you pain. I believe the world is just about as imperfect as it could be. I believe in Murphy's Law. I believe in acceptance. I believe in most science. I believe in medicine. I believe in laughter and humor. I believe in hard work. I believe in the fact that money does buy happiness (think of something that makes you unhappy... like...bills. ...how do you pay bills? ..money. =happiness, right? ...okay another example. When you feel depressed...you eat ice cream. You have to buy ice cream.) ..yeah, this one is a stretch because the giggle of a child while you're tickling them is priceless and makes me terribly happy. But, overall money can buy happiness. I believe in family. I believe in coincidence. I believe in karma. I believe in angels (or something like it). I believe that true friends are hard to find.

I don't want people to look at me and how I live and say "Wow, that girl is boring, and strict. She must be a Christian." I want them to say "Man, she is such a sweet girl. She is just so caring and funny." ...that sounds better. What happens if I live my entire life by the book and I die and get to heaven and God says "Sorry, Leigh Ann, you're a great girl, but...you (insert sin here), ...DENIED" ...I just spend 60+ years doing what I thought was right...and got it all wrong. I don't want to live my life expecting an afterlife. I want to live my life happily. I want to do what makes me happy. The only thing I have is right now. I'm not guaranteed tomorrow. Or two years from now. I don't want to do the whole "live like you're dying thing" (Sorry Kris Allen, great song...but, sorry.). I just want to live each day doing things I like or being with people I love. I want to be a good person. I want to be like Jesus, helping people, caring for people, counseling..etc.

The thing is...there are so many things that I could possibly believe, throughout all of the religions, and I'm so confused, I don't know what to believe from them. Now this is where Christians would say "Well, lets pray for you and ask God to show you the truth" ...I don't want to do that. Because what if he shows me something completely different. Something that Christians don't believe. ...Then you'd want to "pray about it" all over again. Its a vicious cycle. If I'm not saying or doing something that you don't like...it gets turned into this big fiasco that doesn't need to be.

Prayer. I pray a lot. I talk to God a lot. He's probably the best listener of all time. He cracks me up, too. God has a sense of humor. Don't doubt that for a minute.

I am in the praise band at my church. I love it. I love the people I play with. I love about 90% of the songs we do. I love music. I'm doing it because I think God gave me a gift. I love singing and playing piano. Church is the only time I get to do it. I'm pretty sure that that keyboard and microphone are the only things holding me to a service on Sunday nights. I have so much better things I could be doing on a Sunday night. But, I love music. I don't do it to reach people "for the kingdom of Heaven" ...I do it because I love music.

I teach at a Christian school. If we talk about Christianity at all, I make sure that I speak in terms that a child could understand. I make sure that I don't step on any toes. I make sure that I don't say anything that would be turned into something else by a parent. We have a children's Bible. I read from it. The stories are great and have great lessons. We say a blessing before snack and lunch. The kids ask questions. I answer them according to what I learned as a child with the Bible. I do not put my so-called "screwed up" views of Christianity in their head. That is for them to figure out when they reach that age of maturity to decide their own beliefs. Not me. Not my place. I usually ask the kids questions about God and Jesus and Heaven. Their answers are so cute and sweet.

One time I asked "What do you think Heaven looks like?" ...one little boy answered "I bet they have a lot of balloons." ..I didn't get it at first and he continued with "..from when we let them go in the sky." Best answer I've ever gotten.

I want the kids to learn the difference between right an wrong. I want them to know that you can't just do something wrong and get away with it. You have to face the consequences of your actions, whether they be good or bad. "For the wages of sin is death" ... okay, I don't say that to the kids. I promise. But I do make them move their clothespins to the yellow or red circle and pop a squat in timeout. haha.

I don't regret any thing that I've said. I am, however, sorry if this offends anyone. Or if this makes anyone think differently of me. I'm still me. Its just time that how I feel gets out there. Its not fair for me to walk around and people expect certain things of me. I still want to go to church. I still want to be in the band. I still want to work at my job. Why shouldn't I? What if there's other people who think the same way I do...

I believe in God. I believe Jesus was real. I believe he died for a great purpose. I just have a lot of questions that can't be answered.

Stepping out.

I saw the world today.

Or at least it felt like I was seeing it all again for the first time. Haha. I finally left the house. But, first, I barely made it out of the driveway. My truck was barricaded in the yard by mountains of snow and ice. I made it out, and to Wal-mart, Chick-fil-A and work I went.

AND I GOT TO SEE MY BOYFRIEND.

....

Please, let me just take a moment to talk about how wonderful he is. And to explain the story of how everything came about. (Names have been slightly changed...just because I'm funny like that)

I guess I have to go all the way back to the beginning. ...February 2008...I meet a guy named "Randy" online. He's 20, lives here for school (in Va Beach), and we really hit it off. He's a nice guy, funny, southern accent (I just like accents...its different.), plays guitar...etc. We talk for a few days...then he just disappears. I should have seen this as a precursor. But, of course, I didn't. A few weeks later, we started talking again...and then it all happened again. (At this point I had still never met the guy...we just chatted online and on the phone.) So, I kind of, reluctantly, gave up. Met another guy named Alex, ...I mean... Barnaby? ... anyways. Dated him for about 3 months...that fell apart because he was an idiot. And once again started talking to Andy, I mean Randy. Now...during this period I became a kind of "floozy" ...talking to multiple guys at one time...not dating all of them or doing "other" things... nonetheless, a floozy. I found out that RAndy had moved to Fredericksburg for his job. Yadda Yadda Yadda. Decided, on a whim, to drive up there one day...finally met the kid, started "dating"....if thats what you want to call it. And I guess a "girlfriend" isn't someone he talks to on the phone or even attempts to communicate with by any means....I put up with it, for a few weeks. Then...(here's where the fun part starts) I meet Josh. Now, I don't believe in love at first sight. But I loved him as soon as I met him. He was everything I wanted. He was charming, smart, funny, dorky...just...Someone I knew I would like being around. I told him about my situation. He was very accepting of everything and just basically told me that I deserved better. Deep down I knew he was right, and I knew that I wanted to be with him. But Josh lived with his mom, he worked at a pizza place...what kind of promise is that? RAndy on the other hand had his own house, and a job doing airconditioning stuff...or something like that. That was a future for me. But the more I thought about it...the better Josh became. It basically came down to a be happy or be not happy. I wanted to be happy. I saw more emotional security and happiness with Josh. I saw a better future with him. Thats what I really wanted, he's who I really wanted. Nothing else mattered. I just wanted Josh. So, March 6 2009, I decided that it was over with RAndy. He had told me the last time we talked (which was 2 weeks before this date) that I could come up the weekend of the 6th. So I did, to break it off with him and get my stuff. I drive all the way up there, and homie isn't even at his house. I wait until 10:00 and he never showed up. So I had to write him a note and put it on his door. ...you heard me right...a note on his door. Needless to say that was it. I consider March 6th me and Josh's anniversary. I know...pathetic...whatever. All of that ^ ..was the best decision I've ever made in my life. Josh is the most amazing man I've ever met. He's all I want and all I need. Thats all that matters. Now, its been a year since I met him, and I wouldn't change anything. He's my best friend. He's just...a great person. I'm a lucky girl to have him in my life.

I digress.

We went and saw "Couple's Retreat" at Cinema Cafe ($1.00 movies on Tuesdays...yeah, I'm always down for that.). It was a very good movie. I've been seeing some good ones lately. Of course, "Patch Adams", always a good movie. "Passengers" with Anne Hathaway, excellent movie-kind of a chick-flick thriller with a twist.

It also helps that this amazing boyfriend of mine, Josh, has online Netflix. And that I have the password. :-) I love that boy.

One of those picture blogs...

So, I was going through really old pictures on my photobucket.com page...and heres what I found.

This one is just one I made stating my opinion about the ocean. I'll get in it now, but not willingly. Some things never change. This was circa 2006. haha. Good stuff.

This one always cracks me up. It was taken on our Varsity Singers trip to New York in 2007 (Senior year!). We were at the ToysRus in the city and Shrek wanted a piece of me, and I figured hey, he seems nice enough, why not? haha.

This is Cyst-leste. My Cyst I had removed in August 2007. My right ovary is in there somewhere too, but its not there anymore. That cyst was 20cm wide, the man who is holding it is a huge African man, so his hands do it no justice. towards the top of the picture you will see a womans hands, thats better for comparison. I went in for stomach pain, and 4 grueling days later, came out with one ovary missing, and a horrible 18th birthday spent in bed. Sorry if that one grossed you out...

This is my faithful truck Stewie. When I got him (Aug. 2008) he was already named Stewie...and it works great. I love my truck!

This is a picture of a bunch of things that I liked at the time. I still love piano, abba, money (who doesn't..in all honesty, you can be a prude about it and tell yourself over and over and you don't like money and that its evil, but lets see you get a meal without it, or lets see you pay bills without it. If you figure that one out, please let me know, and I too will join the "I hate money" brigade), softball, Cracker Barrell (although Panera is creeping up to be number 1 restaurant for me), Maroon 5, Bob Marley, The Orioles (faithful), Guitar Hero (new video game obsession is "Just Dance" for the Wii...LOVE it!), my iPod (however, I did lose that one last year and upgraded to a 3rd Gen. Nano...more on that story on another post...I'll remind you), My Fake Coach Bag (Still love it, but I got a fake Chanel and Love that one too!), and of course Hello Kitty (I grew up a little and got rid of the Hello Kitty bedroom stuff, kept the TV for a while but I got a new one last July, I think...). So...I think I still like everything... haha.

This isn't old. This is new. This is Josh. This is my boyfriend. This is my best friend. This is my favorite person to be with. This is my hero. This is the man who saved me from my own stupidity. This is my forever. (insert gushy "awwww" and cue barfing)

I Guess I'm Not a "Snowfan" Afterall

So...Today is day 3 of being snowed in. Is that enough said all ready?

Well, just to state the obvious...I'm really tired of being in the house. The streets are a complete mess. My poor boyfriend, Josh, still had to work yesterday AND has to go to school today. Luckily both of those activites for me were cancelled. Which is kind of a bummer, seeing as how I'm actually starting to like Anatomy and Physiology...I guess it took me two semesters to grasp it.Anyways, back to the state of being stuck. Its pretty basic, I'm sick of being in this house. I'm sick of hearing my brother make his little "hee hee" noise. I'm sick of him eating all of the food. (Thurs. my mom went to the grocery store and loaded us up with tons of snacks and good food for the weekend, since she evidentally knew that it would snow 7 inches and we'd be stuck inside. Well, Andrew, didn't have school on Friday because of a teacher workday, or something like it, and stayed home and ate 80% of all of the good snacks. ..yeah, he's great.)

I'm glad that we got the opportunity to see a good snow, since this never ever ever happens. And, I'm also glad that kids 10 and under got to see it too; they'd never seen anything more than a flurry. Its definately beautiful, it kind of makes the earth look pure. And I must say that I've never spent this much time with my family aside from vacation time. ...but this has gone far enough, Mother Nature. No one can get to work, or school, or their families, or to the mall, or to Wal-mart, or to Target, or to Michaels (I'M GOING CRAZY!!). I got my fill of snow action on Saturday, while it was still coming down. I was probably outside for maybe 2 hours total. 2 HOURS TOTAL IN THE PAST 3 DAYS!!! This is insane. I can only go on Facebook so many times to where it just gets boring. There's only but so many times that I can check all of my creditcard bills, and cell phone bill. Ebay, although full of amazing things, is just getting...annoying to me at this point. I miss my boyfriend. I miss people other than family. I want to go out and have fun. I want to go on a date with Josh. I want to go shopping!!!! I have an extra $50.00 just sitting in my bank account right now, doing nothing, screaming "SPEND ME!" and I'm the only one who can make that dream come true for that poor sad little $50.00. Online shopping just isn't the same.

I'm just going crazy, obviously...I've never personified money before.

Everyone Needs to Start Somewhere

Well here's my first blog. I'm not sure exactly what I'm going to be "blogging" about. But, I'm sure that something will come up along the way that will be "blog-worthy."

Hmm....

The reason I call it "My Room" is for a number of reasons:

1. I spend most of my time at home in my room; sleeping, cleaning, studying, watching TV, organizing, making more messes, etc. Its just where I am.

2. A "room" that is your own is supposedly your haven. The place you can "chill" and get away. Almost a vacation from everyday life. Your escape. This blog is going to be my escape, my venting area.

3. Its also partially based on one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite shows, "House." "Life is just a series of rooms, and who we get stuck in these rooms with adds up to what our lives are." ...I just really like the quote. There's no need in explaining it or why I like it, I just do.