Now, I don't consider myself religious. I do consider myself Christian though. Confused yet? ...me too. There are so many questions that I have. There's so many contradictions I've found within Christianity and within other religions...I don't know what to think.
After thinking about everything I tried to figure out what I do believe in. What makes sense to me? How do I want my life to be seen to others? How do I want to live my life?
I believe Jesus was real. I believe he was an amazing man who did wonderful things for people. I believe he was kind and generous and caring. I believe he did not pass judgement on anyone he encountered. I believe in God. I believe in love, I believe that when you truly love someone or something, thats when there is true peace with it. I believe in people. I believe people will always let you down, hurt you, cause you pain. I believe the world is just about as imperfect as it could be. I believe in Murphy's Law. I believe in acceptance. I believe in most science. I believe in medicine. I believe in laughter and humor. I believe in hard work. I believe in the fact that money does buy happiness (think of something that makes you unhappy... like...bills. ...how do you pay bills? ..money. =happiness, right? ...okay another example. When you feel depressed...you eat ice cream. You have to buy ice cream.) ..yeah, this one is a stretch because the giggle of a child while you're tickling them is priceless and makes me terribly happy. But, overall money can buy happiness. I believe in family. I believe in coincidence. I believe in karma. I believe in angels (or something like it). I believe that true friends are hard to find.
I don't want people to look at me and how I live and say "Wow, that girl is boring, and strict. She must be a Christian." I want them to say "Man, she is such a sweet girl. She is just so caring and funny." ...that sounds better. What happens if I live my entire life by the book and I die and get to heaven and God says "Sorry, Leigh Ann, you're a great girl, but...you (insert sin here), ...DENIED" ...I just spend 60+ years doing what I thought was right...and got it all wrong. I don't want to live my life expecting an afterlife. I want to live my life happily. I want to do what makes me happy. The only thing I have is right now. I'm not guaranteed tomorrow. Or two years from now. I don't want to do the whole "live like you're dying thing" (Sorry Kris Allen, great song...but, sorry.). I just want to live each day doing things I like or being with people I love. I want to be a good person. I want to be like Jesus, helping people, caring for people, counseling..etc.
The thing is...there are so many things that I could possibly believe, throughout all of the religions, and I'm so confused, I don't know what to believe from them. Now this is where Christians would say "Well, lets pray for you and ask God to show you the truth" ...I don't want to do that. Because what if he shows me something completely different. Something that Christians don't believe. ...Then you'd want to "pray about it" all over again. Its a vicious cycle. If I'm not saying or doing something that you don't like...it gets turned into this big fiasco that doesn't need to be.
Prayer. I pray a lot. I talk to God a lot. He's probably the best listener of all time. He cracks me up, too. God has a sense of humor. Don't doubt that for a minute.
I am in the praise band at my church. I love it. I love the people I play with. I love about 90% of the songs we do. I love music. I'm doing it because I think God gave me a gift. I love singing and playing piano. Church is the only time I get to do it. I'm pretty sure that that keyboard and microphone are the only things holding me to a service on Sunday nights. I have so much better things I could be doing on a Sunday night. But, I love music. I don't do it to reach people "for the kingdom of Heaven" ...I do it because I love music.
I teach at a Christian school. If we talk about Christianity at all, I make sure that I speak in terms that a child could understand. I make sure that I don't step on any toes. I make sure that I don't say anything that would be turned into something else by a parent. We have a children's Bible. I read from it. The stories are great and have great lessons. We say a blessing before snack and lunch. The kids ask questions. I answer them according to what I learned as a child with the Bible. I do not put my so-called "screwed up" views of Christianity in their head. That is for them to figure out when they reach that age of maturity to decide their own beliefs. Not me. Not my place. I usually ask the kids questions about God and Jesus and Heaven. Their answers are so cute and sweet.
One time I asked "What do you think Heaven looks like?" ...one little boy answered "I bet they have a lot of balloons." ..I didn't get it at first and he continued with "..from when we let them go in the sky." Best answer I've ever gotten.
I want the kids to learn the difference between right an wrong. I want them to know that you can't just do something wrong and get away with it. You have to face the consequences of your actions, whether they be good or bad. "For the wages of sin is death" ... okay, I don't say that to the kids. I promise. But I do make them move their clothespins to the yellow or red circle and pop a squat in timeout. haha.
I don't regret any thing that I've said. I am, however, sorry if this offends anyone. Or if this makes anyone think differently of me. I'm still me. Its just time that how I feel gets out there. Its not fair for me to walk around and people expect certain things of me. I still want to go to church. I still want to be in the band. I still want to work at my job. Why shouldn't I? What if there's other people who think the same way I do...
I believe in God. I believe Jesus was real. I believe he died for a great purpose. I just have a lot of questions that can't be answered.
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