Brain Saga Part 3

So...the consensus is...sinuses. The doctor said my brain looked great. :) I tried to go pick up the copy of the MRI (ITS ON DVD!!, who's stoked?! me!) and it would have taken like 25 minutes to pick it up...so I'm gonna go get it tomorrow. I'm pretty excited.

So the neurologist is sending me to an ENT to check out my sinus cavity better (its just one.). Hopefully they can suck all the bad stuff out. Oh man, I might be normal again soon. :)

So the "Brain Saga" might just wind up being "The Sinus Saga," which sounds a little bit cooler. Unless you have a lisp.

Now or never. Go big or go home.

This post has nothing really to do with The Brain Saga, so it gets its own post.

Disclaimer: I love Joshua Richard Hilbert, with all of my heart. He is everything to me.

He told me he was looking at engagement rings. Yesterday. Right there in Ruby Tuesday. I was astonished. I didn't know what to think. First I was like "Wow, he's really going to do it." ...Then it was a "Wow....he's really...gunna...do it." And it hit me. Everything would change. Everything would be so different. And don't get me wrong, if I'm going to marry someone, I want it to be him. But...I can't, not now. I started to cry, right there at Ruby's. Like, deep down, I know that this is what I want, and I know that I want it with him, and I know that I would be uber happy with him in that sense. But, the thought of not living with my mom scares me, a lot. The thought of not hearing my brothers stupid "Hee hee" all the time (which drove me crazy during the Snow Storm). Having pink and brown stuff all over my room. Hogging the entire bed, and covers...and pillows. My dad being right there for me to hassle into fixing my truck. My stuff, all of my stuff; I love my stuff. All of that would...not be there. Its not that it would be gone, its just that...everything would be different. And that scares the shit out of me. I know its going to have to happen sometime. And I'm a "now or never, go big or go home" kind of girl. But this...this is killing me.

I know though, that there will be so many more wonderful things ahead of us in the world of engagement and marriage. Waking up beside him everyday. Cooking together, eating together, ordering pizza together because the food we cooked together turned out horrible. Planning a wedding. Buying a house. DECORATING A HOUSE! (That's not my favorite or anything...) Vacationing together. Having a baby...maybe 2. (Nope, sorry Melissa, no Hilbert Zoo will be opening. Much respect though. ha ha, after having a zoo of a classroom at the daycare, I'm better off with just one or two kids. The kids are better of too.) I guess the good definitely out weight the other ones.

I've all ready talked to him about it. And he knows I'm not ready for it. But he has a great point, to go ahead and look now, price things, maybe start saving. We both want it to happen. I'm partially scared that after we get married we'll be different people, and we won't love each other or something ridiculous like that.

Either way, I don't think we want to get married until we both graduate from school, which should both be around mid 2012. I like the idea of a fall wedding, maybe the beginning of November. Problem is, Josh's birthday is October 30th. ...and I don't want his birthday to be overshadowed by our wedding.

See? Here's my problem. On the surface, I'm stoked about getting engaged and married and everything. I'm all about planning it, picking out colors for things, picking out dresses, pricing honeymoons. But underneath, I'm terrified. Its such a horrible way to feel, and I hate it.

I love that man, with all of my heart. I know that we both want this. I'm just scared. We're going to do it. I've gotta grow a pair and just do it. Suck it up. Now or never. Go big or go home.

Brain Saga Part 2

Sorry for the late post about everything. And this won't even have the meat and potatoes of the information you've been waiting for.

I had the MRI, which was ....pretty fun actually. However, if I had the chance to do it again, I would refrain. I feel like if I had smoked marijuana before, I would have completely flipped out and just started screaming. I felt like I was inside of a video game. The noises were insane! The scariest part was towards the end and the bed started to shake a little. ...that freaked me out, at that point I was done. ha. I have no idea how long I was in there; I lost all track of time. My hands were the most uncomfortable. I started with them folded on my belly, then within 5 minutes (I'm guessing) I started to get all fidgety. Overall, not the worst experience in the world. Annnd, I still haven't received a bill. So far, I'm safe from another $40.

Until tomorrow.

I go back to neurologist tomorrow ($40 copay, chaching.) for him to read it. I feel kinda good about it. I called them a week ago, or so, and asked what I was supposed to do next. The nurse said that I make an appointment to get it read and thats it. She said that if it turned out to be something terrible they would call. And, I haven't gotten a call. Which makes me feel super good. However, uneasy. As happy as I am that its nothing serious, I would love to find out whats been going on. I assumed that an MRI would be able to tell. Maybe they did find something, but its not serious and completely treatable. ...that would be absolutely amazing. Tears would be shed.

I can't wait to get rid of this shit. I don't think anyone really understands whats going on. I don't think people get the fact that I can't cough or clear my throat. Think about that. How many times during the day do you cough or clear your throat? Must be nice. I can't do it. What about sneezing? These are things we go day to day taking for granted. These a normal body functions that everyone possesses and everyone does. These things were designed as mechanisms to remove bacteria, allergens, and foreign things from our bodies. ...yeah, coughing and sneezing is that important. And I am incapable of doing so.

So there it is. Tomorrow, I could have an answer. I could be posting from a hospital bed. I could be posting from right here in my room. However, Blogger, you will find out, as will I, whats going on inside of my head.