Brain Saga Part 3

So...the consensus is...sinuses. The doctor said my brain looked great. :) I tried to go pick up the copy of the MRI (ITS ON DVD!!, who's stoked?! me!) and it would have taken like 25 minutes to pick it up...so I'm gonna go get it tomorrow. I'm pretty excited.

So the neurologist is sending me to an ENT to check out my sinus cavity better (its just one.). Hopefully they can suck all the bad stuff out. Oh man, I might be normal again soon. :)

So the "Brain Saga" might just wind up being "The Sinus Saga," which sounds a little bit cooler. Unless you have a lisp.

Now or never. Go big or go home.

This post has nothing really to do with The Brain Saga, so it gets its own post.

Disclaimer: I love Joshua Richard Hilbert, with all of my heart. He is everything to me.

He told me he was looking at engagement rings. Yesterday. Right there in Ruby Tuesday. I was astonished. I didn't know what to think. First I was like "Wow, he's really going to do it." ...Then it was a "Wow....he's really...gunna...do it." And it hit me. Everything would change. Everything would be so different. And don't get me wrong, if I'm going to marry someone, I want it to be him. But...I can't, not now. I started to cry, right there at Ruby's. Like, deep down, I know that this is what I want, and I know that I want it with him, and I know that I would be uber happy with him in that sense. But, the thought of not living with my mom scares me, a lot. The thought of not hearing my brothers stupid "Hee hee" all the time (which drove me crazy during the Snow Storm). Having pink and brown stuff all over my room. Hogging the entire bed, and covers...and pillows. My dad being right there for me to hassle into fixing my truck. My stuff, all of my stuff; I love my stuff. All of that would...not be there. Its not that it would be gone, its just that...everything would be different. And that scares the shit out of me. I know its going to have to happen sometime. And I'm a "now or never, go big or go home" kind of girl. But this...this is killing me.

I know though, that there will be so many more wonderful things ahead of us in the world of engagement and marriage. Waking up beside him everyday. Cooking together, eating together, ordering pizza together because the food we cooked together turned out horrible. Planning a wedding. Buying a house. DECORATING A HOUSE! (That's not my favorite or anything...) Vacationing together. Having a baby...maybe 2. (Nope, sorry Melissa, no Hilbert Zoo will be opening. Much respect though. ha ha, after having a zoo of a classroom at the daycare, I'm better off with just one or two kids. The kids are better of too.) I guess the good definitely out weight the other ones.

I've all ready talked to him about it. And he knows I'm not ready for it. But he has a great point, to go ahead and look now, price things, maybe start saving. We both want it to happen. I'm partially scared that after we get married we'll be different people, and we won't love each other or something ridiculous like that.

Either way, I don't think we want to get married until we both graduate from school, which should both be around mid 2012. I like the idea of a fall wedding, maybe the beginning of November. Problem is, Josh's birthday is October 30th. ...and I don't want his birthday to be overshadowed by our wedding.

See? Here's my problem. On the surface, I'm stoked about getting engaged and married and everything. I'm all about planning it, picking out colors for things, picking out dresses, pricing honeymoons. But underneath, I'm terrified. Its such a horrible way to feel, and I hate it.

I love that man, with all of my heart. I know that we both want this. I'm just scared. We're going to do it. I've gotta grow a pair and just do it. Suck it up. Now or never. Go big or go home.

Brain Saga Part 2

Sorry for the late post about everything. And this won't even have the meat and potatoes of the information you've been waiting for.

I had the MRI, which was ....pretty fun actually. However, if I had the chance to do it again, I would refrain. I feel like if I had smoked marijuana before, I would have completely flipped out and just started screaming. I felt like I was inside of a video game. The noises were insane! The scariest part was towards the end and the bed started to shake a little. ...that freaked me out, at that point I was done. ha. I have no idea how long I was in there; I lost all track of time. My hands were the most uncomfortable. I started with them folded on my belly, then within 5 minutes (I'm guessing) I started to get all fidgety. Overall, not the worst experience in the world. Annnd, I still haven't received a bill. So far, I'm safe from another $40.

Until tomorrow.

I go back to neurologist tomorrow ($40 copay, chaching.) for him to read it. I feel kinda good about it. I called them a week ago, or so, and asked what I was supposed to do next. The nurse said that I make an appointment to get it read and thats it. She said that if it turned out to be something terrible they would call. And, I haven't gotten a call. Which makes me feel super good. However, uneasy. As happy as I am that its nothing serious, I would love to find out whats been going on. I assumed that an MRI would be able to tell. Maybe they did find something, but its not serious and completely treatable. ...that would be absolutely amazing. Tears would be shed.

I can't wait to get rid of this shit. I don't think anyone really understands whats going on. I don't think people get the fact that I can't cough or clear my throat. Think about that. How many times during the day do you cough or clear your throat? Must be nice. I can't do it. What about sneezing? These are things we go day to day taking for granted. These a normal body functions that everyone possesses and everyone does. These things were designed as mechanisms to remove bacteria, allergens, and foreign things from our bodies. ...yeah, coughing and sneezing is that important. And I am incapable of doing so.

So there it is. Tomorrow, I could have an answer. I could be posting from a hospital bed. I could be posting from right here in my room. However, Blogger, you will find out, as will I, whats going on inside of my head.

The Brain Saga. Part 1.

Just a short little note before I go take care of my kids.

So I've been having head pain for about 10 months now. Since last November. Its not really a "head ache." Its head pain. Only when I cough, sneeze or bend over. It hurts like hell for like 4 seconds. Then over the course of 20 seconds it goes away. It makes me want to die. Its that bad. To compare it to something, its more like brain freeze than a head ache type pain. I've evolved my entire life around whatever this shit is. I don't sneeze anymore. I can't cough like a normal person, my coughs sound like something a librarian who's 159 years old would do.

Have I gone to the doctor? yes. 4 times. that $80 in copays. And an allergist= $40x2= $80 copays. Plus the eye doctor= $15 copay. Plus prescriptions= about $20. So we're talking over the past 8 moths or so, I've spent almost $200 on this stupid head thing. Not to mention the $40 I owe for the head x-ray I got. (which is actually pretty cool, if I could figure out a way to hang it up in my room, I would.) I've been told twice that its a sinus infection. I've never heard of a sinus infection doing all this and lasting this long. My primary doctors finally said they didn't know what was going on (last week) and are sending me to a neruologist on Monday. I'm kind of excited...kind of that same excitement I had when I found out I was getting a cranial x-ray. But I'm also a little scared. My 18th birthday was spend on bed rest because I had an ovarian cyst and an ovary removed. My 21st birthday is on Wednesday. And I don't want to spend it in the hospital or on bed rest, like my 18th. I also am afraid of what they might find. Worst case scenario for me, its a tumor. I lose my hair and my ability to have children. Two of the worst things that could happen to me. Another worst case scenario, they don't find out whats wrong. I'm a little stressed about it.

I'm off to go baby sit. Maybe I'll write more when they nap.

Please press my adds, by the way. I need money. Who doesn't? :)

selfish bitchesss.

Ok, the title, please say it like you are a very homosexual male who just bought the newest Coach scarf before anyone else and has a ton of admiring women looking at him. Please. Thats how I meant it.

So I've talked about her before, and now more of the drama. The drama never ends. Part of me, the super girly-still in high school mode, part of me loves to hear all of this. But this has gone far enough. No, writing a blog about it will not solve the situation, however....its my outlet. so if you don't like it, leave me alone.

My aforementioned idiot of a friend has pushed herself off the deep end of the crazy-mofo pool. To sum it up, she does not have children because she's a self centered nincompoop who wants nothing more than to party and be irresponsible.

I understand you were pregnant at 16 and lost your childhood. But that was your decision...don't take it out on your children.

Anyways, she's completely lost her ever loving mind. She basically doesn't want to do what she needs to do to give her children the things they want and need and thinks that someone else, her own mother, can do that. and yes, her mother is more than capable of being a wonderful mother and I know that those kids are in amazing hands...but. She's all ready raised her children (and in fact is still raising some.) so why should she have to raise yours too? Why can't you grow up and do whats best for your kids? We all know the only reason you took any classes at all was so that you'd have health insurance because you are a hypochondriac and freak out about the stupidest crap. So college obviously wasn't what you wanted. You've had 500 waitressing jobs at various bars and restaurants. You colored your hair blonde so that you'd be able to get a waitressing job...pathetic. Then you get it...and you "get sick" or "go on vacation" for MONTHS at a time. Then when you're ready to go back you wonder why they won't give you any hours. You stupid turtle (not my original choice of word), you basically quit your job.

You are being reckless. And yes, for any other 21 year old, this is semi-acceptable. However, you are a mother of 2. Grow a pair. Man up. Grow up. Raise your own damn kids and stop relying on everyone else to do everything for you. You've had it way too easy. I hope its not that easy when I have kids. Whats parenting without struggle? Without suffering? Without sacrifice? Thats what its really about. Seeing just how much you love these little munchkins, then seeing them love you in return. (its more than that, but for the time being, we'll stick with this one).

Ashley, I never want to talk to you again. I never want to be your friend ever again. You are a selfish coward. You've been given everything, everything you could possibly want or need...and yet you still take it all for granted. I hope you see them suffering. I hope you feel it too. I hope it eats you away until you realized how fudging ridiculous you're being. I don't want to speak to you, so I hope you read this blog. I hope it hurts. I hope your friends see this. I hope you know one day how I really feel. I'd tell you in person, but I'd be afraid of the repercussion of that conversation and what may follow.

Have fun being 21. Have fun. Because while you're out there living it up and drinking and doing God knows what else, your children...YOUR children are needing you. Congrats. Mom of the year.

So, I'm thinking about taking sign language classes in the fall. Sounds fun, no?

Sorry for any offensive language.

Peaceout cub scout.

Yadda Yadda Yadda

I always wind up on here at 11:40 pm every night. And I always tell myself, "its too late to blog." And tonight is no different. But I'm just going to do it anyways. Just a little catch up. and a little bit of a rant. ...hopefully I can stay awake that long.

-School is over. Passed A&P. Hallelujah. Start OT classes again in January. Off school until then. 8 month summer/fall/winter break. Leigh Ann Woodworth, OTA....May 2012. Awesome. Just in time for the "Apocalypse."

-Cruise in December. Christmas to be exact. Happy Birthday Jesus, in the Bahamas. Stoked. Old enough to Gamble. and drink. ...woot.

-Josh. Still amazing. Still wonderful. Nothings changed. :)

-Job. Daycare. Sadly. Underpaid. Working as 2 people. Not fair. Kids are still sweet though.

-Possibly moving out. With Katie in her old house. Paying rent, and lots of bills. Being a grown up. Shit.

The rant is just basically about how I just don't get paid enough. Everyone says it, but I truely mean it. I have to do lesson plans, What We Did Todays, art work, worksheets, story time, circle time, maintain overall peace throughout the day, keep the kids from killing eachother, and I actually have to teach them something. ...I can't do it. It makes me feel incompetent, when in all reality, I'm not the incompetent one.

I'm done being mean.

It started raining, that means its...bedtime?

...I don't know, maybe Mother Nature is like "Yo, girl, we got things to do...ya know? Over in Dreamland?!"

I'm so tired I'm just typing nonsense now.

Fin.

Well...

Anatomy and Physiology is coming to an end. I'm pretty sure I'll wind up with a good solid C...hoping for a B, but, a C will do just fine.

I've never been so happy to be done with a class. I'm over it. I'm over all of the irrelevant information. I'm over the memorization. I mean seriously?! Who needs to know all of the cranial nerves? A brain surgeon. Not this girl. With the development of this thing I'd like to call, the "internet" we really don't need to know all of this stupid crap. Uh, hello...Google?

Whatever, its almost over. One more lab, and 2 more lectures, which really is only one more lecture, the other is just a show up, and turn your take-home test in. ..I love take home tests.

The boyfriend is coming over tonight. He rarely comes over to my house. Because, days like today, I hate it here. I stay in my room for a reason. Its my haven. I don't want to be around my dad and my brother, because they always fight with each other, and its over the stupidest crap you could ever imagine. My mom is sleeping, which means she'll be grouchy. There's no food here, I'm hungry. The independent me says "well, go buy some groceries. or at least go pick up food, on your own." But I know that if I were to leave, and come back with food, at least 2 of the 3 other people in this house would be angry at me. I'M NEVER HOME! I'M NOT THE ONE WHO EATS ALL OF THE FOOD HERE. GIMME A FREAKING BREAK.

I've been cleaning my room all day, getting ready for my honey's arrival (haha), and I took a break to fill out my FAFSA form (its super important for school, and I've been putting it off for weeks and decided to do it today.) I needed my parents social security numbers, and their tax information. I first asked my dad, who for some reason was in a pissy mood, for the social numbers, he asked, with quite a 'tude, "Why do you need that?" "I'm filling out my college finance stuff." (ya know, so I can get a real job and get the hell out of here) "Well, what do you need our numbers for?" "I don't really know, but its asking for it" "Okay, well I'll tell you mine, but I don't know your mothers." *tells the number* I start forging through my moms purse, because you don't wake a sleeping bear. Find her card. Go on my merry way.

Then it asks for their tax information.

I wonder what kind of crap I'll get for this.

So, Independent Leigh Ann comes out again, and says "well, I know they keep their tax stuff in a filing cabinet in their room" (where the bear-my mom- is sleeping, thanks Independent Leigh Ann) So against my will, I go into the filing cabinet ... 2004, 2006, 2003, 2008, 200...not 9. Its not in there, at all. So I was just...over it at this point and said "Mom, wheres your tax stuff from this year?" Groggily she answers "in the drawer" I answer, "No, its not, I checked there." "what do you need it for?" (I wish you guys would just give me what I ask for, not the difficult) "My school finance stuff, mom." Then, I just left. Walked back in my room and started putting in bogus answers. Worse case scenario, I go to jail. ...Martha survived it, so can I. Then, about 20 minutes later I hear her shuffling papers around in her room. Thank you Mom, for taking initiative. Preesh. She finds the papers. I finish the FAFSA, end of story.

Back to the fact that my mom is cooking dinner for my boyfriend and my family. ...and there's still no food in the house. Can't wait to see what she whips up. This ought to be interesting.